My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
