I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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