girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
