wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
