The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
