I am spending my child support on dildos
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
