I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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