When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
