at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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