it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
