Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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