I'm gonna have a badass scar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
