Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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