Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are two peas in an std pod
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
