New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
