I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
