just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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