No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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