Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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