No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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