Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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