made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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