for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
