Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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