I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
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