I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
