all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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