I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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