he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
