i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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