I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
