This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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