whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
