You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
