oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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