Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
