walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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