So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
