Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
