Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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