Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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