i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
