my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
