You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
