Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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