I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
