Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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