I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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