I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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