I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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