Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
