look no pants
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
